Now that I look back
by Agent D.S
Summary: With the Angel of free will in his hold, Shinji reminisces his life in Tokyo-3 and during the Angel war. Recalling the various turning points and few colorful sprinkles in his otherwise grey life. The fate of humanity is decided as the broken boy takes a look back at his sufferings and what he was left.


**Disclaimer** : Don't own anything in this story... Yet.

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How did things turned out this way? I have no idea. I like to think that way.

Knowing my role in the events. It makes my hands clammy. My heart beats painfully against my chest.

The tangerine concoction presses on me. And my being pushes back against it. Just like it had since last year. Every moment in this prison of mine.

I cannot understand why I did this to myself. I knew that under no circumstance would anything change. For the better. Yet I found my self here. I dared to look forward to time together with my only family. I dared to hope.

I didn't want to do what he wanted. But if I hadn't then ' **she** ' would have tried... and died. Like she did last week.

I was out cold after the first time. I never thought what to do from there when I came to. Out in the halls, I saw 'him'.  
There was nothing to be felt in his gaze except for coldness. So... I turned away. Like always.

I did what I was told to. Unthinking and uncaring about my own self. Trying to be selfless and helpful. Just trying.  
The days moved on. As did everyone. Just not me.

I met ' **those two** ' during my second week. Not a pleasant encounter. Because of me.

But after they were dragged in the second one, they were really good to me. If a little too normal. Unlike me. I was unable to move on. Take the next step. Why? I questioned myself many times.

I clenched my pillow and the sheets. But there was nothing to be gained from them. I could never give an answer to that why. Even though I knew it all along.

The third time I nearly lost ' **her** '. We had a rough start that day. But, I still cried for her.

Just before the fourth time, I met ' **her** '. She was anything but like me. She did what I failed to do... and then things I would have never done. Even if given a choice.

The fourth time was strange. I took every humiliation to the face. Like I always did. Yet, followed the ' _tormentor_ '. That word may seem a little strong but it was what it was.

The fifth time brought the two of ' **us** ' together. But I was pushed a little bit away from ' **her** '. And it happened again during the sixth time.

The seventh time, all three of ' **us** ' were together. Though rifts seemed to appear between us at the beginning. We were all on the same note by the end. With a slight difference in opinions. Which was positive for the first time.

The eighth time brought ' **us** ' together more than ever. We all shared a little outing for the first time.

The ninth time didn't involve ' **us** ' three directly. I was happy. It didn't involve me.

Just before the tenth one, we had an argument regarding the synch ratio. During the ambush, ' **she** ' goaded me. And being the person I am, I took her bait. One of the worst memories in my life. Trapped in this bloody cage for hours till I nearly died. I have little to no idea, how I am still alive, but it nailed the fact that this cage has a mind of its own.

The eleventh time... I realized who I was and who 'he' was. One of my only two friends nearly died. Because of me. And because of ' **him** '.

I thought I was done with it all and left. The very day, the twelfth arrived. Both of ' **them** ' were hurt. Defeated without being of any use.

I went back to the place that I vowed to never return to. I gave away whatever dignity was left of me. Only to be lost to the world for a month.

When I came back, people around me had changed even further. While I remained the same. I tried to be not affected by it. Yet again. Just tried.

The thirteenth destroyed ' **her** ' mind. Reducing her to mere shell of her former self. It wasn't because of me. My stomach twists and mouth gets bitter whenever I think how glad I was to be not the not the direct of cause of her misery.

Time went by and kept on existing. As I had for the last ten years. I just could not bring myself stop doing it. I wasn't able to run away. Because whenever I did, it was just from one person to other. Daring to hope each, that someone will come looking. And they did. But not the way I imagined. Not how I wanted.

The fourteenth mocked my very existence finally taking ' **her** ' away. Forcing her to burn herself. To save me. What an ugly irony.

Then ' **he** ' came into my life. Told me that he loved me. That we were supposed to meet each other. And... I just can't find the words that would justify my existence. Since most of the insults would be more of a praise than anything. As per my 'selfless' nature, I went along with it. Daring to hope. Yet again.

Even a fool would know better than to repeat the mistakes. I wonder what that makes me then.

' **She** ' came back from her supposed death a few days later. I went running to her... only to find another shell. I had no where to go then. No one, I can turn to.

Except for ' **him** '.

And I did just that. I went looking for a safe haven. Which I knew deep within won't last long.

The day of judgement. The moment of truth. The decisive time. It came today. How long ago, I don't remember, nor do I care.

Here ' **he** ' is. Taking up the Mantle of the fifteenth. He who was given the power to choose. Caught in the colossal hand of the monster I command. The monster that killed my mother. Or maybe that is my mother.

I wonder what he felt when he asked me to kill him if I am his friend. He wants me to live, but I wonder if he thought what would happen to him. How would I live, knowing that I killed a person for the sake of friendship? How can I possibly live with that kind of scar on my soul?

I look at him. And then at the white giant. Crucified to the red cross. The seven eyed purple mask on its face. The thing that is needed to bring the end of the world.

Even if I kill ' **him** ', then someone else might reach this place. And he said that either he lives or humanity.

Well, even with many people dying every now and then, humanity is still there isn't it? One more loss wouldn't make much of a difference.

I see something from the corner of my eye. I look up, towards my right and... Its ' **her** '. Or the shell that looks like her.  
I look at him. He looks a little surprised. Maybe he didn't expect her to be here. Or maybe he knew she was there and didn't expect me to notice.

I look between them a few times. Probably the last of them, I would ever see. The girl who died to save me and the boy who is willing to die so that I can live.

I can feel my vision blurring slightly and a tug at my quivering lips. I am crying. And smiling. For the first time in forever... I feel happy. To have met these two amazing and wonderful people. Who put me ahead of themselves even when they get nothing but death. Who value me for who I am and forcing me to do anything.

"Kaworu. Ayanami." I say in my shaking voice. Laced with the cries of happiness. I look at them. Their attention on me with surprised looks on their faces. Even Ayanami.

"Arigatou." I say as my voice breaks. They both look taken aback. Oh well, it feels good to surprise unshakable people.  
"Sorry... if t-this is... su-s-sudden. B-but, please let me be selfish... for little bit more."

I can see their lost expressions. It is a funny sight, to be honest.

I turn around my seat and look for a small lever behind it. There it is. Hidden between the support rigs. I take hold of it and pull it back. A hatch opens up, revealing a heavy twist-lock system. I grip the bar of the lock and pull it out, then turn it counter clockwise before pushing it in.

There is a beeping sound, like the digital alarm back at home. A mechanical whirring noise as a pair of disc modules, with 'D-MODE' inscribed in English at their center, began spinning. I hope Misato will understand. She didn't seemed too fazed when Ayanami did the same and even when Asuka suffered. She knows their was always the chance this could happen. Meh, whatever.

I go back to my seat and look at the horrified faces of the two albinos. It is really interesting to see them make such different faces.

I command the Eva to raise its left hand, gesturing them to stop from saying anything.

"I don't want to live as an empty shell. Besides, I don't want to lose to both of you." They are dumbstruck. Its hilarious. "So... Will you smile for me... just one more time?" I ask a little sheepishly.

Kaworu closes his eyes and take a deep breath before giving a genuine smile. It was tinged with a little sadness but that was to be expected.

Ayanami shakes her head as a soft smile graces her lips. Maybe she is more than just a shell. But... Oh, well.

'I suffered throughout my life. I suffered a lot. Even the happy times seemed as if forced. The party for Misato's promotion. The strolls to the arcade with Kensuke and Touji. And that dreadful kiss with Asuka.' I look at the two albinos smiling softly and genuinely as light starts to overwhelm my vision. Not a sight I ever expected to see.

"But, everything was worth this... Now that I look back."

 **-FLASH-KRAKOOOM-**

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The End.

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A/N: Hello, dear reader. I hope you like this little piece of imagination. Please leave a review( **you don't need an account to post it so go for it non-members :D** ) and let me know your thoughts.

Its been a freaking year since I last posted anything.

And to be honest, I actually like how this turned out. In fact, it wasn't that hard to imagine Shinji doing it. But, enough of my rambling.?


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